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Before yesterday I stretched my body and now my legs hurt like I did gym. I tried to work on the newsletter for my job but I felt tired so I went to bed early at 10.30 pm. I studied C++ until midnight then I felt asleep. My sleeping is getting worse. Last night I woke up every 1 or 2 hours.It sucks.

After a day without talk to me, this morning Michael woke me up again. He said that he is trying hard not to bother me but to be honest I have no fucking idea what he is trying to do and right now I don't want to know. I asked again to him to let me go since he can't fix his life. 

Plan for today is continue working on the newsletter at work then go home, clean it, try to do exercises, study and work on my projects. But I'm not sure how much I can do feeling so tired. I am trying a new pill, it has hyaluronic acid, collagen, coenzyme Q10, vitamin A and vitamin E.
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I feel better. My neck and back hurt less than on Friday.
Yesterday I went to work and I asked to my boss for buying a new chair, she says I can go on Monday and choose one. We talk a little about how her trip was and about some changes she did trying to minimize a the damage that the fucker sellers are doing there. To be honest, I don't care right now what she will do to fix this. 

After work I came back home and Cleaned the house. Then I worked 3 hours on website, I ate a salad and I watch few episodes of Shooter on Netflix, then I fell asleep. I used a collar to rest my neck during the day, it helped.
Today I woke up at 1 p.m. and I finished my 3th course. It was about web programming  Probably I will start a C++ course next.  I had a shower and now I'm doing my beauty routine. 
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 I had my mad day yesterday, now I am fine. I tried to take a nap but I couldn't fall asleep, so I got up and I worked on the website, I'll try to earn as much money as I can while I am working in the company. After dinner I laid in the bed and I watched Death Note. I used to watch the anime. The movie by Netflix didn't disappointed me.
I avoid talking to Michael because I was so mad that I was trying to argue with him. I fell asleep 3 a.m. and I had a lot of weird dreams.

Plans for today are workout, work on the websites, start a new programming course, cook a vegetables pie, do my nails, do my hair and maybe a peeling. 
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 Day off today, this is how Mondays should be, is not? 
On saturday after work I came home and I did workout, then at 6pm I went to bed for a nap... I passed out until 6 a.m. on Sunday, and of course I was not going to get up so early then I slept for 4 hours more.

I got up and I spent 6 hours cleaning the house. I thought I was going to end exhausted but nope, maybe because the vitamins I started to take but not sure because it is just 2 days taking the pills. I bought some Collagen pills with A, C and E vitamins to see if this help me with my tiredness. Doing workout is a little hard latelly, and I don't want to stop it. I'm trying to improve my eating too, but I guess all this fatigue is because stress is messing with my sleeping. So after cleaned I took a shower and I sat down at the computer to work on my projects.

I worked to optimize my website for SEO, something that can take hours and hours of work. But so far I'm very satisfied with my work, after work on the website code I got 30 more points on the score that Google gives for page speed. The indexation is ok, and I don't have crawl errors. Anyway there is a lot of things I still need to do for SEO, and another sections I want to add to the website.

I said one more time to Michael that I'm serious about working on the mobile application, I don't know what he thinks I can't do many projects same time. That is how I always work, and this is why I use a project manager to track and write down all the tasks I need to do. I will start a course of Design for apps, to see what design program they use, what type of file I need to create, resolutions, etc. I really know nothing about mobile apps.
So far I'm doing 2 courses same time, and that doesn't stress me, in fact I'm excited about learning new skills.

What is stressing me is all the shit that is going on on my work. Last week 2 associate seller leave us. This is not a bad news to be honest, they both were stealing sales to our company, but instead give us a time to look for new sellers they leave us one day to another. And next month another associate seller will leaves the company because we won't renovate his contract since we got this guy stealing sales.
We still have 2 associate sellers who steal sales and I bring a lot of proofs to my boss about this. And I also got proofs that all those fuckers are doing a business together and this is why they suddenly leave us. 
To replace one of those sellers, my boss offered to my coworker who works with me at the office, to be seller. Right now he is meeting clients because there is noone to do that until we hire a new seller. I thought he was happy about this opportunity, sellers really earn so much money in our company, but he told me he won't accept the new job and also he will leave after December.... He said that the money doesn't worth all the stress we have. I'm agree if we talk about our actual salaries, but being seller means earn our salary x 5, and also being associate and not employee. So i can't understand this guys, he won't earn x5 his salary in other place, and since they moved him to my office I just hear him complaining for everything. Being seller is the position he wanted, and now that he got it, he doesn't want anymore.
So, I need to wait he talks to my boss about this, then I can sit with her and see how the hell we will organize the work, because this mean I will be alone in the office without any help if she doesnt hire someone else. She also needs look for at least 3 new sellers and I'm sure the other 2 thief we have left, will leave us soon. And of course they will continue doing damage even after leave us, so I need to think how to minimize that damage. 
My boss told me she is going to hire a sales manager "with universitary title" because our actual sellers don't respect anyone of us. And this manager won't be working with me in the office, he will not have a place, he will be going there and here. If she thinks that a title gives to someone some respect she is wrong. Our sellers don't respect us because she says No and then when sellers complain she changes her mind and then says Yes. All the shit that is going on happens because her lack of control. I understand she is old and she is not a business woman, she was kinder teacher before her husband dies. But she should learn about her mistakes instead repeating them. 
If al this shit is not enought stress for me, we can add the fact that all those sellers that are stealing and leaving us, tried to buy the company 2 years ago. And they are trying that we lose the representation of the brand that whe sell in our country to they get it. In the meanwhile they are trying to make our clients angry with us, promising things that they know we can't fulfill (like inmediate delivery) then when the clients claim they say "I can do nothing, this is the company who doesnt give us a solution" 
In the other hand I don't know what my boss will do when my coworker says to her that he is going to leave us too. I don't fucking know how many months I will keep my work, so you can imagine how stressed I am, but still trying to keep calm at work, and thinking new ways to minimize the damage and keep our clients. 

I'm really pissed about people from my country, many of them are dishonest and the worse is that they justify themselves. This is what u get when there is lack of education. This is what you get when for 12 years a thief ruled the country, and I am not optimist about this will change.
For the people who are still honest this mean we lose a lot of oportunities because dishonest people fucked us in one or other way. I won't care leaving this damned country but I won't ever be like they are. I hate them.

Plans for today is workout, maybe watching the eclipse since this is just 3 minutes (we won't see it from our country), doing some beauty routine, studying and working on my projects. 

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 Weather is so aweful last weeks, it's mostly raining and more than 90% humidity. Today the rain finally stopped but it's cold as fuck... 4º C right now and tomorrow it will be colder. For a person without blood in the veins like me, cold days are bad. If one day I go to Indiana to see Michael on winter for sure I won't survive lol. 
Yesterday I got home at 2 p.m. I was tired because the workout on Friday and because I stayed till late watching videos on Instagram  so at 4 p.m. I decided to take a nap. I slept 6 hours and it was so cold that I didn't want to get up. Anyway I was hungry so I got a coffee and some toasts. I wanted to study but nope... lazyness was stronger so I went to bed again. I stayed awake till 4 a.m. chatting with Mike then I fell asleep for 8 more hours. 

I got up and I had another coffee with toasts. I'm frozen but I feel my body can't lay in the bed more time so I will study while cycling on my mini bike.  I will try to work on my website also. Since I'm doing those courses it becomes easier to do whatever I want with websites and this is a good motivation. After improve my skills on web programming I want to do the course for Apps developer, which is the course that Michael is doing. 
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 It was a good week. I didn't feel anxious at all, it is my second week without anxiety?
It was a normal week at work. I'm working with my boss in different strategies to reactivate the sales. Because I am also who design our websites, newsletter, brochures, etc she told me if I need to work overtime at home she will pay me for this 
I did workout on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It seems I'm doing well because I can feel some pain on my muscles.. not that kind of pain when you get injured but some pain that make you know you worked your body... like Eminem's song says: a beautiful kind of pain! For tomorrow I'm going to try to wake up at 6 a.m. to do workout before go to work, let's see if I'm able to get up when it is cold.
In order to be able to do exercises without feel exhausted, I'm trying to improve my eating. I want to eat more vegetables and fruits and I need to have decent breakfast. Last 2 days I had fruits, yogurth, cereals and toast. I don't think I can eat eggs at morning but fruits is something that my body accept without get sick. And it looks very delicious for me!

Mike and I calculated how many calories it has and this breakfast has around 300-400 cal and all is non fat. I know nothing about nutrition but I guess it is good food to get energy at morning to face the day. 
ANother thing I have to do about my health is drinking less coffee. I know I have wrote this a lot of times on this journal, but I really need do it. I researched why my vertebral discs are dehydrated and if there is something I can do to hydrate them again. And guess what? vertebral discs get hydrated by the water you drink, and obviously they get dehydrated for the same reason all your body get dehydrated too, so this mean that if you drink much coffee, alcohol, you smoke, etc etc your body and the discs will lose water.  
I started to drink 3 big cups of coffee every day (sometimes 4 or 5) because my eating and sleeping are bad, and I use coffee to get fast energy (and I love how it taste to be honest). Althought I drink 1.5 to 2 liters of water my body is dehydrated always. I need pee every 1-2 hours. The good thing is that I dont suffer fluid retention even on summer but the bad thing is that this affect my whole body. I start to drink collagen again and I'm going to cut slowly the coffee. If I can wake up early to have a healthy breakfast I can skip the first coffee. The second coffee I can replace for green tea and just drink the coffee I have at 3 p.m., when I start to feel sleepy at work. It seems stupid that I can't stop drinking coffee but I think I'm addicted, so I need to stay strong to get this goal. 
Yesterday I cleaned the house even when I felt tired, I'm happy I did so today I can spend my time on beauty rutine and do my HTML course. At night I worked on the website of my client with the last changes he asked me to do and I studied English. Mike invited me to watch together the last chapter of dragon Ball and I did, I like this anime. I fell asleep 2 a.m.
Today I woke up 8.30 a.m. on panic because I was late for work, it took me few minutes to understand why I didn't set any alarm for wake up... it's Sunday I fell asleep again until 1 p.m. then I got up and I had a delicious breakfast (and after it I had a coffee )


Jun. 26th, 2017 11:46 pm
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Almost 1 week without write .
Last week my brain got burned at work, but nothing has ruined my mood. I don't feel anxiety since 10 days... I sound like an addict with withdrawal syndrome lol

On Saturday I went to a small concert in a bar. My dad and one of his sons have a band (different bands) and they both participated in the concert. The music was good. It was the first time I hear them. Some friends went with me and it could be a nice night but my sister decided to come and got kinda drunk. I had to drag her home. That is why I don't spend so much time with family.

I bought shoes. Some military leather boots for every day which I can wear with jeans, satin high heels from Italy which are very comfortable for walking, and others high heels for the parties I hardly ever go

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 Today is my 4th day without feel anxiety and without taking pills! 
Face muscles are more relaxed and I feel OK. I had good time this weekend altought I didn't leave home. On Saturday Mike woke me up 10AM. He studied Spanish with Duolingo for more than 3 hours .
I did my hair, I'm satisfied with my job and I also study English :D

Mike and I tried to play magic cards by videocall. It's uncomfortable and the image isnt good. Anyways it was good to try. After that we talk by phone for a long time, I really enjoyed it. 
Mike showed me some draws he did when he was a kid, he was ashame because the draws weren't good but I'm happy he shared it with me. I encouraged him to start drawing again and he will do!!!! He also wanna help me with my website project and we are agree that for the next vacation we will do more things that he would like doing, like going to amusement parks.
He wants shop shoes, some shoes which are expensive but it doesn't matter because he never get something for him. He wants buy shoes for me also but I'm not sure about it, because he likes some shoes which cost $280 and I feel guilty if he spend so much money on me 
They are the shoes, really lovely

We talk all day long until 3AM. It was a great day sharing things with him 


Jun. 5th, 2017 10:56 am
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 Last Saturday my father came home to have dinner together and to talk. We have not seen each other for two years. I was tired because I work on Saturdays and I cleaned the house before he came. We ordered pizza. Dad drank 2 beers and I drank just 1 cup of a drink 4% alcohol. At midnight I was ready to sleep.  I had to drink 2 coffee after the dinner and still was sleepy.
To be honest I didn't enjoy so much the moment together. I didn't have so much to talk about, just about work and family, and both topic are boring. I've told him I don't go to his house because they are always arguing about politics. We talked about how my siblings use alcohol or drugs to evade the reality. I'm the opossite... I'm over aware of reality. He said he has failed 5 times like father, he believe there is not a need to set bounds because he can talk with people and make them reason so they should set their own bounds ... even with his grandchildren 3 years old He says life is simple, and you have to accept that there are a lot of things that you cant control. He admites he's bad couple, etc. But I never hear him saying he will try to be better person. For me he is an absent father, always busy with his work, gf and hobbies. I feel him like a friend who will be there if I need help. My family make me depressed.

Yesterday I had too much noise inside my head so I didn't leave the bed. I chatted for a couple of hours with Michael and it was all. 
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It was a hard week but I've survived!!! I struggle with my depression and anxiety, something that is harder when your hormones are messing with you, but the good thing is that I know perfectly what events cause those issues.

As I said before I'm talking with Michael again, I never give up before try everything. Nothing is fixed yet but we started to do small steps. He told me his fears about our relationship, they are very logic and I have same fears, and we could see what personal things each one need to fix.
I'm confronthing Michael with himself, and of course this make him mad at me. So I started to write in a private journal all that I have inside my mind (even my demonds) for he can understand me better. I always can explain the reasons for my actions, thoughts, opinions, feelings. I'm very honest and I even write why he makes me mad.
He understand my need to know him better (thoughts and feelings) so what he did just surprised me... he started to write about him for me.
I can't say if this will work or not, but at least we are trying.
There are so many hurted people who can't progress with their life because they just try to ignore their feelings...

Yesterday I spent all day long lying in bed and watching Prison Break, so today I did workout to not feel I wasted my weekend. I did also some beauty rutine.

My schlumbergera truncata is blooming

I'll sleep now but this week I need work on my website.


Apr. 29th, 2017 05:52 pm
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 Today at work we moved to a the upstair office, wich is smaller than the other but it has some natural light and better ventilation. The good thing: the guy who smells very bad is not so close to me now. The bad thing: the guy who eats with open mouth is closer 

About the guy who smells bad, my other coworker and me tried to let him know how bad he smells buy seems he doesn't care at all. He keeps not taking a shower everyday and wearing same shirt for 2 or 3 days in a row. Anyways I'm pretty sure that what smells isn't his shirt but his ass . The other guy today bought an aromatizer, it was our last try to see if the smelly boy get the message. Well... isn't a "boy".. he's a 40+ man.

When I left work mom called me and I had to run to home to check if my sister, who lives upstair, was fine. His boyfriend dumped her 2 weeks ago and this weekend she's alone because mom go away and we are afraid my sister tries something stupid... another 40+ yo person who act like a teen 
So I had to cancel my plan to go to the grocery and cook for the whole week. I don't want to go now to buy food, maybe I'll go tomorrow and today survive with coffee. I'm in my 5th cup of coffee so far. The house smells like coffee!
After the rain of Tuesday it's full of mosquitos, so annoying. They are so big, and the repellent does nothing to them. 

My option for the rest of the day: sleeping, watching Netflix, playing Magic Cards, reading a book, beauty routine, studying English, starting a new website or studying programming. I won't clean the house today. Prolly I'll write about the last 2 days of my vacations with Mike. It's been almost a month since I came back. 


Apr. 16th, 2017 08:18 pm
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 As I wanted, I cleaned the house... it make me so happy. After a shooting shower I've written an email to my client to show and explain all that I did in the website. I hope, wish, pray he likes it. 

Something that I LOVE about being independent is that I don't need to go to anywhere for days like Easter. My mom and sister were in their department, 4 floor upstair, but there wasn't need to go to share lunch or spend time together. I'm not the kind of person who go forced to meetings then run back home to write shit in my journal. I'm in this way since always, even when I was married. Sometimes I just didn't feel sharing a day with my or his family, then I stayed at home and nobody feel offended. 

So, today, the last day of my 3 days off, I had a good day. Everything is clean, I'm cooking a salad with many vegetals for tomorrow, and now I'm ready to start another design. I won't have dinner because for lunch I ate pizza then I don't feel hungry. Maybe I will have yogurt and fruits, or coffee.

I've to do my nails. The last nailpolish I used is awesome. I love the color, and how long it stay on my nails. I bought it on Walmart and I'm sure it cost less than 2 usd. The color is lovely, even Mike likes so much this pink.


Maybe I should do a list with nailpolish to remember wich colors I like and wich brands are good/bad.

Btw... I got some chocolate eggs... people wants me fat!!! Every Easter is the same... I got so much chocolate that I have for the whole week 

Ferrero Rocher egg

Handmade egg

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I had a great weekend, I did so many thinghs. Yesterday I had no much to do at the office then I worked in the website, I like how it's going. I added a calendar for the courses the client does, he will like this. 

While I cleaned the house mom came to home to complain again about the same things than always. I didn't let her talk so much, I don't have patience for ppl who just complain instead fix the things.

I did the peeling. I was a little afraid of how my skin will react with this acid but all was fine. Skin didn't get red and no allergy reaction. I could see the outcome 30 minutes after do it. The skin looks illuminated and it reduces pores. I feel a little uncomfortable but I can hold this very well. I'm going to repeat this in a week 

I did another beauty things and I painted my hair just to cover white hair. It looks great and even when I have so much hair it's not hard to do. I expend 100$ doing it myselft vs 600$ going to the hairdressing. 
I also had time to play with Mike and sleep a lot of hours 


Feb. 19th, 2017 03:02 pm
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 Yesterday I felt bad all day long. Tired, headache, arms hurting. I worked till 1pm then I came back home, I finished the newsletter for a client then I lied down for hours. I watched maybe 4 or 5 episodes of Dexter then I feel asleep 3 am although I took half pill. I hate being so lazy but sometimes I need relax.
Today I woke up 2pm. Arms still hurt so I want do bike then stretching, this always help. There are a lot of things I have to do: workout, a new website, the courses for improve my webmaster skills, study English, beauty routine, build my magic card deck... but with this pain on my arms is so hard stay at the computer working 

It's hot and sunny. My babies are blooming

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 I slept 12 hours, I had to force myself to leave the bed. It's raining heavily today. It could be a good plan to make coffee and try to design.
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 This weekend I did almost nothing... I cleaned the house after a long nap then cooked pasta and I got a drink... yes I was in mood to drink. I watched the serie "The OA" on Netflix until chapter 6. The story was interesting and I wasn't tired but 3am I went to bed. 
On Sunday I went to the weekend house with mom, Flor and her friend. I couldn't swim because it was still raining so I made coffee and I watched more episodes of The OA. Mom acted like a normal human so it wasn't so bad  

I didn't go for a walk this time because the weather

I was so tired and lazy that I didn't cook dinner, but I got delicious fruits 

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Last night I stayed awake till late playing with Mike, then I went to bed and I fell asleep. 2 hours after it Mike woke me up cuz he miss her girl 84.gif So all I slept was 5 hours. After woke up I went to buy shoes and I got ready to go to the weekend house. It's a hot day. 3pm I went to swimming pool with kids and mom's friend. There was just few people. The water was warm. I had very nice time there. I wore the bikini I bought with Mike in Cocoa Beach. I love this color cool.gif I'm really happy about how my body changed last year and I'll keep working to get better body.

When they closed the pool I went back to the house to get ready for dinner

Rainy day

Dec. 18th, 2016 08:25 pm
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Finally I woke up at 3pm then I get up to study English. My mind is getting tired, too much English this weekend, and still 2 days left to do the exam.
I went to the kitchen to make coffee when I saw this huge and beautiful rainbow bbg.jpg

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Today I woke up at midday and I went to the weekend house with mom and my sister. We ate grilled meat wich was delicious. After lunch my sister and I rode a bike, I'm still so bad doint it!
Our garden is full of bloomed flowers but some of they withered because lack of wather this days that mom was in Dubai. I watered the plants, something that I enjoy doing.

Flower pics )

I went for a walk and I saw a lot of Owls and birds. One owl was yelling at me happy0196.gif

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It was a great weekend! Saturday after work I went to the spa and they massaged all my body, from feet to head. I left the spa so relaxed. Then I went to the store and I got 2 new nailpolish with glitter, and I also got new rings.

I came home and I started watching season 2 of Marco Polo. 8pm I went upstair to mom's hise to see her because she came back from Dubai. We ate pizza then I came back home and I fell asleep.


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