nattalie: (Default)
 Guess who is being a lazy ass today??? yes!! this is me! 
Last night I played Magic cards until 4 am so obviously today I woke up very late... in fact I couldn't leave the bed until 3pm. I took a coffee then I lie down again while chatting with a friend who I'm trying to help to fix himself. I feel a little frustrated because I don't know what else try to help him, and because I know that if he doesn't help himself nobody else will do.
I won't talk about his issues here because even when he doesn't read my journal I think this is disrespectful if I talk to other people about his feelings. Since we speak different language it's very hard for me to explain how I work to fix myself.
To can fix myself I need first learn about myself (It sounds obvious). How my brain works. What are my feelings and thoughts, why I have these feelings, what situations make me feel like that. Sometimes our brain get the wrong info and we make it our reality. If we learn to detect it we can rewrite the info in our brain.
We need to forgive our mistakes, learn about them to avoid to do it again and work to be better person. And get the motivation to do it isn't easy. Don't wait until feel you motivated enough, force urself if this is necessary. Repeat to urself over and over "I'm good enough, I can do it, I deserve the best" even if you don't believe ur words right now. And of course, give urself the right to feel down sometimes, to feel weak, to take a break. 
Denying your reality will not change it. Don't get stucked in your life, don't be afraid to change, don't be afraid to fail, is a way to learn to be better. Ok I will stop here because I start to sound like a therapist lol

Sooooo, after chatting with my friend I lied in the bath, then I lied again in the bed 
I forced myself to leave the bed and I drank another coffee, but it's late to clean the house. I can't decide what I want to do... why I'm so undecided for simple life things???? why??????? 
nattalie: (Default)
 Last night I took half pill, not the same than the night before, and I fell asleep at 1.30am. I woke up today 6.30am, I don't know why, then fell asleep again until 11.30am.
I forced myself to get up, I need clean the house and work in a design. I want cook the lunch for tomorrow, get a good shower, and put my brain to work more and more. I will try to not drink 5 cup of coffee today to can sleep earlier and tomorrow don't be a zombie during the day. 

I didn't feel hungry this weekend, I had just 1 meal per day. Not sure if I lose more weight but my belly is very very flat  Anyway I'll start to eat more fruits and vegetals because I want to start my workout again. The problem is I don't know what to do about the pills. I really don't let my mind relax, I overcharge my mind with a lot of task and I don't want to stop it. Is like a drug to see all that my mind can do, can fix, can learn that I wish we don't need to sleep to can stay all day long pushing my mind beyond its limits. The problem is that my body, that stupid container wich we have to carry, get tired... and when my body is tired it fuck my mind. I got depressed then my mind enters in a negative state. Pills help to avoid that negative state but some pills makes my brain stupid, indifferent to everything, and that's not good at all. Other pills make my body tired, then I couldn't do my workout. I really don't like using pills and that's why I just take it when the negative state is ver important. 
I won't test with ilegal drugs, no way. 2 years ago I changed some negative communication that I had with my mind using basic Neuro-linguistic programming. Maybe if I learn more about this I could eradicate any negative thought for ever. 
nattalie: (Default)
 After 12 hours I can't feel any effect. 60bpm as usual. This one don't calm the mind, just the body. Any of this pills can't stop grinding my teeth. Again a lot of stupid dreams. Body feels weak but maybe muscles more relaxed. 
My mind is something that I can't stop, never. But instead feel it make me crazy I feel it make me understand more and more the things and the people around me, and I don't like what I see. Too much darkness around, too much selfishness, too much hurted people.
Details, coherence, reasoning, learning, evolution


I need find those people, where are they hiding?
nattalie: (Default)
Apathy.. this is what I feel. I so boring know always what is going to happens... is like to watch a movie that you already saw. And you know what's going to happens and how will it happens. And you watch it over and over, then you lose any interest, you don't feel even disappointed because you stopped caring, you stopped paying attention... you don't give a shit... nothing will change, you know this.
I'm glad I worked so hard to don't need to hold people around me, I need noone. I can pay my rent, I can buy my food, I can pay my bills by myself, I can stay alone... I don't need to lie or make a fake life. I'm kinda free, and I say kinda just because the only that make me slave is when people lie to me and don't let me choose. I'll always fight to know the truth, because the truth make me free to take decisions, to can choose, to be free to accept something/someone or to be free to leave it.
But people work hard to hold their lies, to lie themselves, to neglect the truth.. they so afraid to change, to grow up, to take decisions, to deal with the consequences, to lose their comfort...and I don't care anymore about them... I chose be free and walk alone. 

bah

Oct. 13th, 2016 09:43 am
nattalie: (Default)
And last night suddenly I felt very bad. And it is not for workout. This is stress. Then, I wonder, how much can I hold?
I'm back on pills. I hate it. I hate pills, I hate when I can't control the things. I hate when I can't be strong enought. I hate unfair things.
First goal for people seems be always get material things. Even if they feel empty inside, even if they also think about suicide, you can see them running behind material things. I found someone who is not in this way... but this person is stucked to someone else who just care about material things, about take adventage, about use others to get more and more, and I wonder... wath is that make them be stucked??? Obviously is not love, then what it is? fear to take decisions? fear to face the truth? material interests? People make me sick.
nattalie: (Default)
OMFG... I try to don't worry about this but my mind started to harass me with 9374875634785 doubts... I can't help.
I can't trust in anyone, I can't trust for nothing. I need to keep safe in every way.
You harass someone because you are drunk and the person got mad and kick you... what if the person liked you? you end fucking with this person just "cuz you was drunk"
And when you are drunk you do the things that you want to do when you are sober but for some reason you have to hold it (shame, fear, etc)...
Do you know what???? FUCK YOU ALL

I'll be like you are and give you the same that you give me... that is fair
nattalie: (Default)
It's time to grow up and move on, is time to change. I was looking my journal and I saw there is too much about Michael, too much about feelings, etc etc. Why?! if I'm single!!!!
Is time to put focus on me, and no in other person who has focus in himself bbg.jpg
I suvive alone, I don't need anyone who pay my rent and food. I run my own projects. I'm earning money by my skills. And I still can get men more young than me to have fun 84.gif

Is time to be awesome by myself and not because I'm "the girl of".. time to put more lipstick and attack happy0196.gif
Let's fall in love with myself and fuck you all !!!!

New houses

Sep. 22nd, 2016 05:31 pm
nattalie: (Default)
I stopped looking for new flat to move because there where my mother lives is a flat for rent, but the landlord still doesn't answer how much she wants. I really would like renting that flat, it's new and near my actual flat. But if I don't get any answer soon I will need continue in my search.
Soon Michael is moving to new house too, that will be very nice for him!! sadly he will continue being a babysiter of some person who isn't able to do nothing by herself instead complaining and spending money. Not surprise me how stressed he is always and why he can't leave the pills animated-smileys-rolleyes-08.gif
A lot of people have a price and many of them are so greedy that they chose material things instead be happy. You can tell me that hapiness is an utopia but those materialistic people don't even enjoy what they get... they tride to hide frustration, depression and suicidal thoughts showing all that they got to other people. And they call themselves "smart person"... I call them mediocre persons. I see this even in my family, and more I see people like this, more I need be different to they. 
nattalie: (Default)
Today Mike had appointment with Dr. and Dr. said what I knew he will said. It make me anxious, like I wanna shake him and say OMG start to fix it.. I told you!!!!! then I realize that even when I want help him, probably I'm just making things worse for him. ermm.gif
I remembered myself in similar situation years ago and I'm still trying to deal with this, isn't fair that I push him to fix his issues fast just cuz I feel he let ppl fuck him and I want we move on.
Even when I could be right in some appreciations I need keep in mind that I don't know everything about him, he doesn't think, feel or lead with things in same way I do, and there isn't even a reason for he does it like I do. He isn't worse or better, he is just himself and he does what he can or what he feels.
And love him means accept all these differences, respect his decisions and his times, keep loving him even if he makes mistakes that I would not make.
If I really want help him I need keep calm and trust him. I know he can fix anny issue, but he needs realize about this by himself.

Love you so much! loveshower.gif

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