![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nattalieI'm 40 years old today....I don't think the number will affect me at all but I don't like so much how it sounds. I am just now learning how to live, many of my years were a waste. 
The day was not as bad as I thought. I woke up at noon, I had some bad dream that I don't remeber what this was. My mother messaged me if I preferred to have lunch or dinner together, I chose dinner. I got up, I had breakfast and 2 hours later I had lunch.
I wanted to do workout but I felt heavy after dinner although it was a small beef with salad. I read for 1 hour a new book which seems interesting and I was still heavy so I decided to do bike instead workout. I did 1 hour bike while I read the diet book to know what to do after I end the diet. I also played some matchs of Magic cards.
I had shower then I started to get ready for dinner. I went to my mother's restaurant, it were mom, Flor, Martu and me. My sister and my niece didn't come, I invited them but they forgot it was my birthday and they were already cooking for dinner. My mother was complaining about some problem with her business but I just ignored it.
I was a little nervous because I didn't know what reaction I was going to have about food, or desserts. I didn't break my diet at all, I had grilled chicken with salad. Martu had squid rings which I LOVE but I didn't touch it at all. She also had dessert, some choco-cake which is a cake made with chocolate cookies and caramel... sugar... all those sugar there in front of my eyes... and I didn't want to eat it. I feel so good with my body although I do not get my goal yet, that I have not interest at all to ruin all the work I am doing.
My mother keeps saying to me that I should not do diet, that I have no fat to burn, that many diets are so bad for our body. She also talked about how fat she is getting because eating so much, and that she probably will have a liposuction
My father and his older son messaged me today, I was surprised they remember my bday. My boss also messaged. Michael did early in the morning, he was the second person who greeted me, Martu was the first
Some virtual friends on Facebook also saludate me although I don't post the date of my birthday there, I don't want to reply a lot of messages of people who probably don't even care about this day lol
One of the makeup brands I buy from, which I really love their products, sent me a 15% off coupon for my birthday.
Right now they give 70% discount because cyber monday so I think I will buy some makeup tomorrow and try to use my coupon to see if I can get 85% off lol
I took some aweful pics of myself to remember how (bad or good) I looked on my 40s. I am not photogenic and allergy is killing my eyes but who cares
.
The day was not as bad as I thought. I woke up at noon, I had some bad dream that I don't remeber what this was. My mother messaged me if I preferred to have lunch or dinner together, I chose dinner. I got up, I had breakfast and 2 hours later I had lunch.
I wanted to do workout but I felt heavy after dinner although it was a small beef with salad. I read for 1 hour a new book which seems interesting and I was still heavy so I decided to do bike instead workout. I did 1 hour bike while I read the diet book to know what to do after I end the diet. I also played some matchs of Magic cards.
I had shower then I started to get ready for dinner. I went to my mother's restaurant, it were mom, Flor, Martu and me. My sister and my niece didn't come, I invited them but they forgot it was my birthday and they were already cooking for dinner. My mother was complaining about some problem with her business but I just ignored it.
I was a little nervous because I didn't know what reaction I was going to have about food, or desserts. I didn't break my diet at all, I had grilled chicken with salad. Martu had squid rings which I LOVE but I didn't touch it at all. She also had dessert, some choco-cake which is a cake made with chocolate cookies and caramel... sugar... all those sugar there in front of my eyes... and I didn't want to eat it. I feel so good with my body although I do not get my goal yet, that I have not interest at all to ruin all the work I am doing.
My mother keeps saying to me that I should not do diet, that I have no fat to burn, that many diets are so bad for our body. She also talked about how fat she is getting because eating so much, and that she probably will have a liposuction
My father and his older son messaged me today, I was surprised they remember my bday. My boss also messaged. Michael did early in the morning, he was the second person who greeted me, Martu was the first
Some virtual friends on Facebook also saludate me although I don't post the date of my birthday there, I don't want to reply a lot of messages of people who probably don't even care about this day lol
One of the makeup brands I buy from, which I really love their products, sent me a 15% off coupon for my birthday.
Right now they give 70% discount because cyber monday so I think I will buy some makeup tomorrow and try to use my coupon to see if I can get 85% off lol I took some aweful pics of myself to remember how (bad or good) I looked on my 40s. I am not photogenic and allergy is killing my eyes but who cares
.
no subject
on 2017-11-27 10:21 am (UTC)I can relate -more than I'd like- with the first paragraph of your post. But I'm not sure the feeling of "I'm just learning how to live" ever goes away; it might only mean you know more today than you did a few years ago, something that hopefully will keep happening.
(On other other hand, I'm just a young and irresponsible kid of 38 :) )
no subject
on 2017-11-27 01:16 pm (UTC)I can say that I know more today than I knew few years ago yes, I am someone who is always working to learn, to be better, to grow up. But I was still stucked at some existential dramas that I'm trying to leave in the past to can be really free and to can enjoy my life.
WE are young!! It is ok to be a kid for some things but please, this world needs more adults responsible for their acts, be one!!! xD
no subject
on 2017-11-27 01:40 pm (UTC)Me too. Well, I think I got the "leaving the past in the past" part right, but I'm very much in the "so what now?" phase :).
WE are young!! It is ok to be a kid for some things but please, this world needs more adults responsible for their acts, be one!!! xD
I was *born* a responsible adult, I'm afraid. Everyone's stuckness is different; it took me quite a bit to learn that it was ok for me to relax (frankly, I'm still quite bad at doing it :P)
no subject
on 2017-11-27 01:59 pm (UTC)It is hard for me to relax, I feel I am not being responsible if I am not always working to do my best, to deal with things, to fix problems, to control all the situations to avoid something unexpected happens, to understand other people, to take care of someone, and so on. Plus I over analyze everything and everyone, so relax? what is that?!?! if you know how to relax you can teach me :P
no subject
on 2017-11-27 02:43 pm (UTC)Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel all the time... Even when I'm doing something I enjoy I still worry if I shouldn't be doing something else, or if "it's ok" for me to enjoy it; I get worried that if I'm not being worried enough something bad might happen. So, yeah, Relaxation 101 isn't a class I'd feel at all qualified to teach :P.
no subject
on 2017-11-27 03:49 pm (UTC)Ommmmmmmmmm
no subject
on 2017-11-27 04:37 pm (UTC)What's your current best trick for relaxing? (Mine's still reading, the same it was all my life.)
no subject
on 2017-11-27 04:57 pm (UTC)I am having more fun with this entry than yesterday with my birthday xD
no subject
on 2017-11-27 05:19 pm (UTC)Yikes. Those look quite involved. Who knew that relaxing took so much work? :P
I am having more fun with this entry than yesterday with my birthday xD
:D Me too.
no subject
on 2017-11-27 05:37 pm (UTC)Piss me off when I give my opinion about something to someone and that person tell me "pls relax".....
HELLO... I was relaxed until you gave me that shit!!!
I don't know why ppl think that saying "relax" will help me to relax... I am not a yogi girl, I can't take deep breath more than twice without hyperventilate, and maybe there is also a chance that I don't want to relax!!!!!
You know what I do to relax? I drink coffee :D ya I know it sounds like an irony
no subject
on 2017-11-27 05:50 pm (UTC)HELLO... I was relaxed until you gave me that shit!!!
I don't know why ppl think that saying "relax" will help me to relax... I am not a yogi girl, I can't take deep breath more than twice without hyperventilate, and maybe there is also a chance that I don't want to relax!!!!!
There's a very fucked up thing there, yes, about how certain feelings are "allowed" or not (or, worse, mandatory) depending on your gender, job, etc. I think it's both unfair and counterproductive; the point should be to deal with the issues triggering the emotional responses rather than with the often reasonable responses to them (i.e., not being an asshole to somebody instead of telling that person not to be angry at you being an asshole :) ). The whole way we deal with emotions in general is kinda crappy and very limited, I guess.
You know what I do to relax? I drink coffee :D ya I know it sounds like an irony
That's not biochemically unreasonable, actually (one of the main effects of caffeine, I understand, is to stave off the abstinence symptoms of not having had caffeine :P).
I drink tea, lots and lots, mostly Sencha. But I also take caffeine when I wake up and late in the evening, so I'm not as decaffeinated as it might seem (not that anybody who interacts with me for five minutes is going to think I'm decaffeinated :) ).
no subject
on 2017-11-27 07:29 pm (UTC)Because the diet I am doing I had to quit coffee, I had headache for 5 days because the lack of cafeine and I still feel sleepy all day long. Anyways I get some caffeine drinking green tea, I can't quit it 100% and I don't want to do it, I like being overactive :D
btw if I misunderstand what you say to me you can tell me, I learn English by my own so my language is still very basic :(
no subject
on 2017-11-27 07:44 pm (UTC)Ouch. Caffeine headaches are the worst. And I do love green tea, I think I drink about 6-8 cups a day :D. I got one of these a few years ago, and it's probably the most cherished member of my apartment besides my cat: https://www.amazon.com/Breville-BTM800XL-One-Touch-Tea-Maker/dp/B003LNOPSG
btw if I misunderstand what you say to me you can tell me, I learn English by my own so my language is still very basic :(
I'll do. And please tell me whenever I'm not being clear (I don't always write things in the most elegant or straightforward way; I sort of love English for its own sake, and get carried away --- although very often I just make plain old mistakes :D) or if there's anything I misunderstood of what you said, or you want to know anything.
no subject
on 2017-11-27 08:05 pm (UTC)Look who is bragging that he got the next level of drinking tea!!! I feel envy! a tea machine and a cat!!! I feel so sad drinking just water while the only animal around me is my coworker :'(
At least let me see you cat :)
no subject
on 2017-11-27 08:22 pm (UTC)And enthusiastically curated, it sounds like :P.
Look who is bragging that he got the next level of drinking tea!!! I feel envy! a tea machine and a cat!!! I feel so sad drinking just water while the only animal around me is my coworker :'(
Poor coworker... (Not that I don't empathize; I feel sad every time I leave my tea machine and my cat for too long :D).
At least let me see you cat :)
Ok, I just uploaded a photo here. I took it a couple of weeks ago, but it's misleading: she's usually asleep :P.
no subject
on 2017-11-27 08:28 pm (UTC)I miss so much having a cat :(
no subject
on 2017-11-27 08:39 pm (UTC):( It does sound like having one would help you feel better.
no subject
on 2017-11-27 08:45 pm (UTC)Sadly I can't have a cat in this building, they don't let me, and anyway I am in the 4th floor and I am afraid if I get a cat, it will try to jump out of the balcony.
no subject
on 2017-11-27 08:58 pm (UTC)Hmm. Maybe one of the reasons you have trouble relaxing is that you think or feel that "relaxing" means "being bad" in some way? I ask because that's the way it is for me; sometimes I feel a bit guilty *because* I'm enjoying something instead of doing it for purely selfless reasons. I'm 95% certain that whatever you think of as "being bad" will turn out to be nothing more nefarious that "doing things that you enjoy because you enjoy them." Which means that you most definitely should :D.
Anyway, my cat is lazy and doesn't like doing anything she doesn't want to, so she'll be a great tutor if you ever want to start practicing.
Sadly I can't have a cat in this building, they don't let me, and anyway I am in the 4th floor and I am afraid if I get a cat, it will try to jump out of the balcony.
Yeah, I understand. I live on a 3rd floor and *never* open up the balcony, because I fear my cat would jump at a bird or something :(.
no subject
on 2017-11-28 12:43 am (UTC)No, I don't think I am bad if I am relaxing, but often I feel guilty because I am delaying my goals, in some point I think that the activities I do for relaxing are a waste of time and that I should be able to can deal with my stress to not need take a break for relaxing. Probably I would love being a robot lol. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I like a lot of things I work in (like studying, designing, workout, etc) so I can find some fun there. I need to work to can enjoy the other things that I do that do not bring me closer to my goals (netflix, reading novel books, playing games, etc). There is some book I am reading in order to learn to enjoy the present without my mind drag me to the past nor to the future. It is called "The power of now", but probably there is a background reason why I am reading that book. It is very hard for me to turn off my mind, it is a powerful tool that I want to learn to control to get whatever I want.
I also feel guilty because there is always someone who needs my help for something, and I am "being selfish" taking care of myself instead taking care of the other, and yah that makes me feel i am a bad person.
I know that relaxing doesn't make me a bad woman nor guilty of anything, but for many years my mind controled my life 100%. Now I try to learn to control my mind instead be controled by it.
That is what a cat is supposed to do! they do whatever they want without give a shit about anyone, I feel jealous of them lol
no subject
on 2017-11-28 01:14 am (UTC)When you figure that out, please teach me how? (I mean, it's not that *don't* do things that don't bring me any closer to my goals --- it's just that it's kind of hard to fully let got of the nagging feeling that I "should" be doing something more "productive" even while I'm doing them). Please, I'm begging you here :P.
That is what a cat is supposed to do! they do whatever they want without give a shit about anyone, I feel jealous of them lol
So very much. No wonder we used to think of them as gods :).
no subject
on 2017-11-28 02:14 am (UTC)I know very well that feeling. While I am doing something for fun my mind is saying to me "that won't make you get your goals, you are wasting your time, you should do something useful" and a lot of blablabla more. I tell myself "I need have some distraction to not get stressed and work harder" but there is some thought inside me (maybe ego) that makes me believe that I can push myself more and more and more and be sucessful if I don't let feelings mess with me and if I find a way to keep my body producing energy (or cheat using cafeine!)... there will be not limits for me! Muahaha! Ok I sound creepy and insane, I know :D
Well I am not sure if this is a good idea I try to teach you something, I am crazy and twisted lol but let me share this with you. I didn't read it all yet because it can be a little heavy sometimes. I do not believe in all the same things the writer believes and self-help books hardly ever get my attention but I could see myself in a lot of situation he describes.
So there you have https://brahmstalks.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/the-power-of-now.pdf
no subject
on 2017-11-28 02:24 am (UTC)You also sound a lot like my inner voice :D.
Well I am not sure if this is a good idea I try to teach you something, I am crazy and twisted lol
I think that's called "being able to relate to your student(s)" :).
So there you have https://brahmstalks.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/the-power-of-now.pdf
Downloaded, thanks!
no subject
on 2017-11-27 05:56 pm (UTC)A kid in my class thought that I was in my 20s the other day, but I think they're a bit deluded. Lol
no subject
on 2017-11-27 07:33 pm (UTC)I am working on my body, confidence and also self-steem. I don't like so much what I see in the mirror but I am going to change tit....
I'll turn the mirror :D :D :D :D